Saturday, June 30, 2012

A constant Battle

With my degree I have many resources and tools in order to help others help themselves. This may be internal struggles, relationship struggles, social etc. The really frustrating part is that I have all these tools but sure can't seem to use them myself. 
Anyways I constantly struggle with my relationship with my kids. Well not all three but that is only because Em is almost 7mo. and not able to argue back (at least with her words).  But the boys and I can go round after round. Take tonight for example. Liam was just finishing eating and this was our conversation:
Liam: After dinner do I have to get ready for bed
Me: Well we are going to start heading that way yes.
Me: What you didn't ask about stories, what did you ask mommy
Liam: I said can I have stories?
Me: No you didn't did you...
Liam: Uh Yessssss?
Me: No you didn't you said, after dinner am I going to bed. and Liam what is our bedtime process? Stories are part that aren't they...?
Liam: Do I get stories?
Me: Yes Liam..

It's stupid I know. I am sure you are reading this and thinking any number of things. I know if I was reading this I would be thinking A. So what? and B. The kid was just worried about stories.
I often tell myself, you are the mom, you are the mom, you have more life experience to handle this and you need to be the mature one. Then while all of that is playing in my mind my mouth engages in ridiculous arguments. But these discussions happen ALL THE TIME!! I don't know how to stop them, I know engaging them is not the way to go, but I can't seem to help myself. He sets the trap and I jump right in with both feet. 
Funny thing is I am gritting my teeth right now thinking about it.

Friday, June 29, 2012

The Challenge: YOLO

Living in the moment:
With having my 15 year old niece staying with us, I have been receiving a large dose of reality in how uncool I am.  I used to consider myself to be the type of person who was fairly up on trends, cool verbage etc. but I am quickly learning how much I don't know! Take YOLO for example. YOLO: you only live once.  Once learning this I have seen it printed on t-shirts, yelled out by some "brave" soul before doing something stupid, etc. There is a big difference between this statement of YOLO half hazzerdly  yelled before doing something very self focused, and my phrase of living in the moment: FOR GOD. Through out my life I have been called to wait. It has never been a strength of mine. I have often prayed please God help me to wait well and wait patiently (only to then wait anxiously for the feeling of patience to overcome me:). During those times of waiting I have tried to gather my "mana" for the next moment, never fully "enjoying" my mana for the current moment. The mana is in reference to the Israelites being instructed to only gather food for that day. They were told that if they gathered for the next day the mana would spoil. God was wanting them to be in willing reliance on Him to provide. Often I, like the Israelites, can be in complete gratitude for God's provision. "oh thank you God, You are such an amazing, Awesome God." Then it's like I walk away thinking God is sooo great, and just incase he forgets tomorrow I am going to store a little away for then...You know just incase the God of the universe loses track of the time he created...and I wouldn't want to be know,  for only doing what God asked. So in symbolism the Mana represents the "burdens, troubles, 'to  do's' " of the day. So if I focus on today's 'mana', or troubles it is much more manageable then if I think about the troubles of tomorrow.  So the analogy I have embraced is only gathering my Mana for the day. Well of course like everything else it is an analogy that is a work in progress. I continually have to remind myself.

So how does this apply to living in the moment? Well I realized something the other day when I was getting super stressed about flyboys ever changing flight plan. One moment he is flying, the next he is not, then just when I have relaxed it's back on. I wish I could say I am stressed over thinking of him flying, you know his safety and such...but instead it is selfishly based in managing the kids by myself or having help. So it dawned on me,  I need to stop trying to compensate for future moments, moments that I know nothing about and have NO control over, and just focus on the moment God has entrusted me to manage. When I do this things seem so much more manageable.

I am reminded of how ridiculous I must seem to God at times, when my kids do the very thing I do. For example:

In order to get out of our house to do ANYTHING, it takes so much effort and planning on my part. I must calculate about  how long I think we will be out in order to prepare bottles, drinks, snacks, diapers, etc. I also must then pack this stuff while, letting the dog out, putting the dog in her gated area, get the kids dressed, shoes on, teeth brushed, baby dressed, diapered, fed, Oh ya and I must do this all for myself. So by the time I have corralled everyone into the car, buckled them in and am pulling out of the driveway, I am totally exhausted, ready to pull back into the garage and go take a nap. So you can imagine when I have done all of the above in order to do something fun for the kids and not myself (actually it seems if it is fun for the kids it can end up being the opposite for the mom:) how I am not in the mood for ingratitude of any kind. This includes obnoxious questions that allude to the fact that the child feels put out. We had this big production the other day when heading to an amusement park. Upon arriving and merely WALKING TO THE TICKET OFFICE: I had one child who needed to go to the bathroom and another one who was thirsty. Upon being told they needed to wait, Flyboy and I were immediately met with, "how long are we going to be here?" Which translated in my mind to: "I have something way more important to do and this day of fun you have scheduled for me is becoming quite an inconvenience." I know this is how I must appear to God. Hey God thanks for providing and giving my husband this amazing job, giving us healthy, active and awesome kids, the ability to have a vehicle to drive them to school with, etc. But all of these blessings seem to have become quite a bother to me and I was wondering when I can stop having to enjoy them?" Sounds ridiculous and well I guess it is.

So I have been trying to only handle one moment at a time. What are the tools and resources I have been given in order to handle this very moment? This new philosophy is bringing me onestep closer to a more peaceful home, and a much more laid, back and relaxed attitude. God what would bring you the most glory in this moment RIGHT NOW?
Seems simple....

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Feeling stuck

Lately I have been feeling a strong urge to move. Not move geographically, or even move as in from room to room, but move...spiritually.  I am ready to do something for God. I believe he calls us to be in a state of readiness. I have so many passions, desires, dreams, callings... So what is God calling me to do? Where will my readiness take me? Well get ready to grip your seat in shear thrill over the excitement of the adventure I am currently embarking on....I am....wait for it......currently....wait for it....Yup that's it! Confused? Sometimes that is how I feel. Confused. Why do I feel so prepared, what is the hint from God I think I am receiving? Well I guess my big adventure is this moment right now, just to wait. Waiting but being willing to live in readiness. Flyboy and I feel like we are in a position of holding. It's funny how we often find ourselves here. You know in waiting...
But in the meantime I am always learning (often the hard way).
Flyboy and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. With that celebration I feel came the closing of one chapter and the opening of a new one. I guess I should say the end of Volume I and the beginning of volume II. To much has happened in the first 10 years to just call it a chapter. Here is a brief table of contents for Volume I.
             1. Marriage: June 15, 2002
             2. BA graduation May, 2003
             3. Move to STL, pilot training begins
             4. Baby boy #1 Wes: May 16th 2005
             5. Flyboy becomes flyboy in the corporate world...February 9, 2007
             6. Move to Kirksville, Missouri
             7.Continue dream of adopting start the process for real in the Ethiopia program.
             8. Baby boy #2 Liam: born June 2nd 2008, comes to our family December 8th.
             9.Start MA in Counseling Jan. 2010
           10. Move to our new house in town          
           11. Baby girl born Dec. 5th 2011
            12. Graduate MA in Counseling: December 19th 2011...
That brings us to now. Where am I, scratch that where are we headed?