Thursday, December 20, 2012

A little Bit of Heaven

I just finished watching the movie A Little Bit of Heaven, with Kate Hudson. I highly DO NOT recommend it. I sobbed the whole last half of the movie. I don't know why I pick a movie about a lady who is dying of cancer and falls in love and I expect somehow for it to have a fairytale ending. Well here is a movie ruiner, she dies. No she does not suddenly get healed in the end. No the tears from her loved ones do not bring her back. Over all I wish I had not watched it. Yet there is a part of me that is glad I did.
During the last bit of movie she goes around to her different friends and family members in order to "make her peace," or say her last bit. This coupled with the line "everyone is going to die" really got me thinking. I ask myself, "what in the world am I doing?" if death is inevitable then what truly matters. Where is the hope? or What is the hope? Flyboy and I recently heard an audio clip by an accomplished individual. He was stating that if we focus on the meaning of life to be money, and we work hard for it but are miserable then hasn't life truly lost meaning? But if we do what we love and enjoy life then aren't we really living?
This all just sounds like rambling but it gets one thinking. If I knew I was going to die in a few weeks What would I do differently? How would my relationships be? What would my words be like? What would really matter? What "peace" would I need to make? I think about all the times I don't have a loving conversation with flyboy, the times I take his presence for granted. I think about all the games I would/could play with my children. How many times I would tell people I love them. The grievances I would no longer hold on to because they just don't matter.
What if I did not even have a few weeks. What if there was no time to mend the brokenness, to tell and show my babies how much I love them. This is not meant to be a morbid post, actually it is meant to be the opposite. How much better to have Christ and to live! To have hope. To know that I can't invest in all relationships as if each moment were my last. I am a fallen individual. Anger, frustration, bitterness, seem to fall on me throughout my day. But by the Holy Spirit, All of that has been taken away. I don't have to hold on to those grievances  as if they matter. I can let them go and now they have been payed for. I can freely love and cherish those around me.
Oh my totally rambling. If you take nothing else: Treat each moment as if it were your last, Love and forgive, cherish your babies. Bask in the rich hope that this life is not as good as it gets!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Why does there always have to be an agenda?

I feel like this title is so appropriate right now. Not just because of the busy holidays, but also because this was an election year. It seems that everyone wants a reason for everything. This is becoming particularly clear in the wake of the awful shooting at the school in Connecticut. Although this was not the first shooting to ever take place amidst innocent, bystanders, this was the first time it happened to such small innocent little people. Actually it was an entire Kindergarten class.
We don't have cable or even local channels (not because we don't want them but we don't get them free so we live under a rock.) I actually had no idea this horrible tragedy happened. Flyboy was in between flights and was able to catch the news at an FBO. When he called it was early enough in the tragedy that all he knew was that a gunman went into an elementary school and shot some children. I gasped. I had so many thoughts...again? This is happening again? Wait did he say elementary? Why? Why the elementary school? Were any kids hurt? Wait why the elementary school? He did say elementary? Why ? WHY THE YOUNG ONES?  The first question I got out was Flyboy...Did the gunman die? Did he kill himself? (normally in a situation like this I secretly hope yes. Yes he should have died. (feel free to judge)). This situation I held my breath praying he would say no. Praying that he would say they have him in custody and are interrogating him. They are getting the reason why. He has to have had a reason. There has to be an explanation why someone could do such a horrible evil thing to such innocent unsuspecting little people. Unfortunately he told me the gunman had also died. I gasped. What would we do...? How would we find out why? There has to be a reason. We have to have a reason. Whether justified (never never do I think this is justifiable) or not he had to have had an agenda. All I could get out after that was why? Why flyboy why did it happen? What are they saying was the reason? Why? He kept saying he didn't know and for some reason I just couldn't comprehend that. Our conversation ended quickly as his flight was needing to leave. I hung up the phone. I sat there staring at Emmalee as she played happily on the floor. My first thought was to go get on the computer and google as much info as I could. Then I stopped. I realized I couldn't do it. I was afraid to do it. Afraid to see something, read something, learn something I couldn't get over. Ignorance is bliss I guess. Not that my day was blissful, but not being able to hear, or see the news protected me for a short time from the awfulness of the day. Over the weekend we were advised to talk with Wesley(our oldest) about the events on friday. I haven't done it. Yesterday when he came home from school I tried to start and this is what our conversation looked like: "Hey guys been hearing about any news lately?"  Wesley: "uh like what kind of news?"  Me: "I don't know, you know newsy kind of news?" Wesley: "Nope, why what is going on in the news." Me (and flyboy joined in): "Oh all kinds of things are in the news. I just didn't know if anyone at school was talking about anything in the news and you wanted to talk about it."
I can hear the groans now, good job counselor! But before you judge please hear me out. Wesley is 7. He is in second grade. He is a very fearful little boy. For example he had one bad experience with strong wind and this whole last summer he was TERRIFIED to play coach pitch because of the wind. When he becomes convinced of something it can turn very irrational very quickly. Two years ago he discovered the concept of bullying. Not because he was bullied but because someone he knew, encountered someone, who came to after school care. Did this child go to Wes's school? NO. Did Wesley meet this kid? NO. Wesley was terrified of him and anyone else that he thought was remotely being bossy? YES. We have dealt with this for the last two years. Other than the concept of the random boy who might be a bully, school to him is a very safe place. It is the second closest thing to home. His teachers love him, he has been there for many many years. I don't want to give Wesley an idea that school could be anything but safe. I understand that he will hear about it eventually and in that event I will talk with him about his fears, questions, concerns etc. I just don't want to give him more information about how sick this world is until it has to be done.
Sorry this post was not supposed to be about how poorly or inadequately I am handling this horror with my own kids. It was supposed to be about the fact that I HATE, how Facebook, Twitter, the news etc has blown up with agendas. Let's use this sick horrible tragedy to push and pursue an agenda. We need stricter gun laws, teachers should be armed, See there is no God. See there is a God etc.  No matter what, NO MATTER WHAT those babies should not have been victims. There is no agenda, there is no logic there is nothing that can take the sting of this horror away. There is not an answer that would leave us nodding our head and saying "Oh so that is why." Or "Oh that explains it." Weep with those who weep, Mourn with those who mourn.
Doesn't it make me angry? Hell yes it makes me angry. I am furious. I am furious anytime that innocents is lost due to sin and darkness. Recently flyboy and I read a book called The Long Road Home. It is about a boy soldier. His life before after and during war in Sierra Lion. The craziest thing for me was that as I read this book assuming it was in a far away time in a far away place, some of the events took place just 5 short years ago. Flyboy and I realized he was the same age as the author. So for example while flyboy was in jr. high dealing with friends, acne,  changing schools etc. on the other side of the world this boy was running from village to village trying to survive. The things this boy witnessed by the time he was 12. This gets graphic so if you want to stop reading now I totally understand! In one chapter he described in great detail what it was like when rebells chased them out of one village and into another. He said him and his brother and two of their friends had just ran into a village. They turned to see people running into the village behind them. As they watched looking for members of their own family, they saw a lady running into the town. She had blankets tied to her back and as she ran she was screaming. The boys could see a trail of blood running down her back. They figured she had been shot while running away. When she had gotten far enough into the village she stopped running. She collapsed to the ground and untied the blankets on her back. Inside the swaddle of blankets lay a dead one year old child. The bullet the boys thought had hit the woman had actually hit the baby. The blood they thought belonged to the lady belonged to this innocent little person. So tiny and vulnerable. He describes how the woman screams out in sheer terror. Thinking she had made it to safety. Thinking THEY had made it to safety.
I struggled so hard after reading this book. I would ask myself how come I live like I do when there are others facing horrors (even at this vary moment) that I will not have to experience. That I may never even know about.
I recently Read a book called "Ask Me Why I Hurt." It is a book written by a physician in the Phoenix area who started a medical mobility unit. He drives the unit from location to location to serve the homeless children of the Phoenix area. Yes Phoenix, as in Arizona, in the USA. The things he described that he encountered. The painful situations these children had been through. The youth who where homeless to escape sex trafficking. The Youth who stayed alive by participating in sex trafficking. The horrors in this book are taking place all over our nation. All over our world.
So if this is happening everyday, do we become desensitized to it? Do we turn our back on it to not have to deal with it? If we don't use these tragedies to fuel our agendas what do we do?
In my opinion? We weep. We Mourn. We fall on our face before God.We lift up our hands and we pray for his wrath to be poured out. We pray for his mercy to be poured out. We pray for his peace and protection. We find comfort in the thought that this is is not as good as it gets. This life is not our home. We praise Jesus that he held the hand of each one of those sweet little babies. That his guardian angels stood in that room. That He never left them. That He could stand with them when no one else could.
Jesus move your hand across this nation. Break through our human agendas. Give us the Grace to weep and mourn with those who grieve.  Amen