Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Going Out in Public Shouldn't Suck....Right?

I love my kids! I do and yes I am reminding myself. Not so much that I love them (really not in question) but that I do in fact like them. I really do. I just don't understand what it is about being in public that causes my children to turn on me. Sometimes I view going out, to well anywhere, as a top secret mission that I don't pick to be on. I am in fact recruited and then forced to participate. About 95% of my mission is spent playing defense. I rarely have an offensive strategy because 9 times out of 10 I am blind sided by the opposition. It's not like I am stupid. Really! It's not like I picture us leaving the house and heading to whatever public arena and my kids behave in a way that gets my family named #1 most socially appropriate family on the planet. No no no I stopped coveting that award years ago. No I plan on meeting tons of opposition and not getting any help from headquarters. I know that at the end of the mission it will either be considered a failed or completed mission. Failed means I knot only did not get the items I went to the store for (if it be a shopping trip) but I also succumbed to the opposing side and they in fact  took me hostage and I was probably tortured. 

Today was just such a day. Today's weapons; needing to go to the bathroom, and riding in the shopping cart. I know I know I heard you gasp these are to very terrible very frightening issues. Please know I will handle this story with care as the details may give you nightmares. It all begin when one of my precious angels, needed to go to the restroom. We were at the library and I knew it was a better place to go then Walmart where we were headed next. So I asked him to go to the bathroom while I checked out our books. He begins to insist that I go with him. I say no and he needs to hold on. While my dialogue with him is taking place, his cohort comes kamikaze-ing in from no where. He begins to scream I need to go too. I need to go too. I NEED TO GO TOOOOOOOOOO. Well I am not about to let sergeant McHandsy into the bathroom without adult supervision. So I tell them they both need to wait. Sergeant Handsy begins to yell about going to bathroom and how I never let him go to the bathroom. Wow. Never...huh...Anyways we get done checking out and head to the bathrooms. I take the boys into the women's bathroom only to find that the tall toilet is the only one free. Well this is acceptable for private instigator who started this whole mess but not for sergeant handsy. I need to break and let you in on a little secret, the sergeant does not in fact need to use the bathroom. I know this because his pre-school does such a good job of having him use the restroom after nap and after snack. I picked him up right after he used the bathroom. I was all for humoring him until I saw the only available toilet. You have to take into account that I had a baby on my hip and a library bag on the other arm. Not happening. Sorry bud time to call your bluff. This is when one of my engines goes out. He proceeded to scream and cry all the way through the parking lot and to the car. Not just cry but scream and yell. So all in all we got books the mission succeeded but he got a good shot in. As he crawls into the car I throw out a warning. I need cooperation at Walmart because he is riding on his last chance. I feel like this is more then fair because in most war type scenarios there is rarely Grace given and a warning. 
Well we get into Walmart and Private instigator brought a dollar with him purely because he wanted to buy his daddy a treat (he's been on a trip). After Sergeant Handsy exploded on the aisle because he had to be removed from the cart. So as we check out Sergeant Handsy throws an atomic bomb. I WANT TO BUY SOMETHING TOO. YOU NEVER LET ME BUY ANYTHING, YOU ALWAYS LET Private instigator HAVE MONEY TO BUY STUFF.... As this is going on, Private instigator is trying to make a purchase for his daddy, turns out he can't find a single piece of candy that is just a dollar. Everything has some sort of change added for tax. As I am trying to put out the fire with Sergeant Handsy I am frantically digging through my purse (diaper bag) so that I can find a nickel, or two penny's or something so that I can get the heck out of the line of fire. Of course I find nothing so I have to tell Private instigator to put the candy away so that we can make a run for it. The look on the check out guys face was priceless. Worst Mom ever Award...
Well I got two of the three items I went to purchase. I came home with all 3 soldiers I brought in. So although I came home with both engines completely shot to pieces I made it home with a safe landing. 
Okay never mind that is so cheesy. I made it home and am counting down the seconds until I tuck the soldiers in bed and I can take a hot bath and cry:) 

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