Friday, September 14, 2012

A Dead Squirrel is my idol?

So this is not the actual dead squirrel that I saw.  And actually I tell myself that this picture is in fact a sweet little squirrel taking a wonderful nap. This morning as I was driving Wes to school I found myself staring at the side of the road where I could see a little squirrel laying. I suddenly found myself feeling very sleepy, and sort of wanting to curl up next to the squirrel for a warm snuggle. What about staring at this squirrel was prompting this sleepy (or um creepy) response? I really wondered why I was staring at it and giving it so much of my attention. Normally I see there is roadkill and I quickly look away.  I don't want to have the graphic image of the dead animal seared into my brain for the rest of the day, making an appearance every time I try to take a bite of food.
 ANYWAY... I found myself staring at the dead squirrel, and oddly wanting to snuggle it and then I realized why. That squirrel was laying in the very position I woke up in this morning. Flat on my back, head back, hand resting on my belly. I definitely awoke at a time that was not my ideal time (5:45). I laid in bed actually praying God would give me 15 more minutes. I kept insisting in my pleading that 15 more minutes really was all I needed. I didn't get the fifteen minutes and I haven't stopped thinking about how sleepy and comfortable I was when I woke up this morning.
Is it possible I have made sleep my idol? I always think of an idol being something worshiped. Something I covet, I yearn for. Money is a prime example. For some reason it is easy for me to see it being money. I like money, I like using money, I like having money, I wish I had more money...Money seems like an obvious choice. But this morning ever sense I have let the jealousy of a dead squirrel consume me, I have realized it is not "money." Nor is it possessions, our house, etc. It is sleep!
I lay down at night completely thrilled that it is bed time. I described the feeling to my mom like this: The feeling you get in your stomach as you crawl into bed as kid, knowing that in just 12 short hours you will be sitting under the Christmas tree ripping open presents, laughing and playing and sharing the magic christmas possesses. That is the feeling I get every night as I stand by my bed and know it is my turn for rest. That 9 o'clock (lame I know), leaves me with the freedom, the license to crawl into my bed, let my guard down and rest. When I lay down for a nap I spend the first 5 or 10 minutes of it thanking God that I get the opportunity to rest. I love that God created sleep! I often pass by my room with my bed in it and I long to lay with it (I mean on it :). I often don't sleep well at night (strange I know) and maybe this is why I long for sleep so much. Our relationship is so broken that I leave it not satisfied. I crave a deep rest that I wake from completely rested, excited to leave my bed.
So I realized by seeing this dead squirrel that I have made sleep my idol. I need to trust that God will sustain me when my sleep is imperfect. That God needs to be my sole focus and not how I may or may not get in 15 more minutes. Sometimes I need to get up and accept that right now at this stage in my life sleep is definitely precious but it is not the ultimate answer. That the more I obsess about how much I want more sleep the more discontent I become. Instead of seeing each moment of sleep as a blessing, I focus on the sleep I am not getting.
I have more to write but feel I better stop since I am talking about sleep (which I love) and i have officially yawned 13 times during this post.
I find myself asking this question, what else am I making an idol in my life? What is consuming my thoughts, focus, and desire?

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